Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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