it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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