Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
