Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
