I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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