Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Randomize
