So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
