I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
lol hangovers are for mortals.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
