I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
