Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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