Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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