my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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