apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
