Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
