this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
my nose is crying tears of wow.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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