we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
