I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
