theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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