My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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