My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Randomize
