You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
