Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize