I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
