he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize