im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
