He had one of those small greek statue penises
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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