Plan B is the new Plan A
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
