I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
