New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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