the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
