...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
