Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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