So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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