....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
