dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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