I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
