i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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