i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
