so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
cat food counts as protein by the way
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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