So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
