Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
