I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
