Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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