Need sex. Gaining weight.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
