Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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