period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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