I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
They have beer where we have blood.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
