I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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