Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
