There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
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Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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