Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I had to cum in my sink.
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