in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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