I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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