She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
