we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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