I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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