Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
