my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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