YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
