Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Randomize
